Why do we do things even if we're scared of them?

Last Wednesday I did something I was afraid of doing. I presented during a forum, in front of maybe 80+ people. I did it because I was asked to do. But I do not like presenting in front of people. I hate it because I get scared. I get nervous, even if I know what I’m talking about. The unfortunate thing is, I need to do it as part of my job and I do it at least once a week. So I do it anyway.

I love riding roller coasters! But just right before the big drop, I get scared. I am actually afraid of heights! I’d get a wave of panic, every time. Like, EVERY TIME. But the rush I get after is worth being scared, so I’d do it again, and again, and again!

I am scared of failing as a mother.  I remember telling a college friend while jogging around UP more than a decade ago that I think I don’t want to have any children.  I was scared that I will not make a good mother.  Then she told me, how I can not want any children, when it’s the greatest fulfillment of being a woman.  That made me pause but it didn’t ally my fears. Fast forward to now – I am now living a life with a (not so) little girl who means the world to me. Every night I go to sleep worrying if I am doing the right thing but I never regretted being a mom. I can’t imagine life without my daughter.

I am such a scaredy cat. But I guess there are reasons why we do things even if we are scared of them.. Because there are things greater than fear. A sense of duty. A sense of adventure.  Love and love of life.

Except if it’s great fear, like dying. And hell. So for sure, I can never kill myself. :)

P.S.

And cockroaches. Promise, that’s it!

my wheel of fortune (is going down)...

Got this from Chuvaness:

GOAT
Zodiac’s Nature:
Honest, sincere, creative, peaceful, artistic, playful and amorous. Good natured and generous, but sometimes can be undisciplined and irresponsible. Often feels gloomy and discontented, is also indecisive and at times too passive. Renowned for their grace and creativity and likes luxury.

With their fluctuating luck this year, Goats should be flexible to cope with sudden change. Basically, this will be a rough year for Goats. They will be surrounded by rumours and envy, so they have to be patient and keep a low profile. They should take this challenge as part of their life, i.e. be patient while in darkness waiting for the sun to come out. It is important that they should not put a finger in every pie; they need to concentrate and work with their whole mind and whole heart and strive continuously to make new progress at work. Goats may lose money because of spending, but it is important that they should not act as a guarantor for friends or relatives. In love affairs, Single Goats should be patient with their lovers. If not, they will end in separation. Married Goats should reach mutual understanding with their partner. Goats have to keep away from sharp objects and be cautious on the road. They have to control their diet as well and regulate their blood pressure and prevent stroke. Apart from this, they should not go to funerals and wakes.

Just this morning I was telling Bob how "unrestrained" I am when it comes to shopping and how I should really control it for 2009, given the downturn of the economy. I am such a shopaholic, I need a support group!

Another chance.

ok, maybe I won't say goodbye just yet...

So long, farewell...

So long, farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, adieu
Adieu, adieu
To you and you and you...

Cut here, cut there

Just heard the news that in my friend's office, 18 people were let go, as part of its parent company 's restructuring charges. Two Pinoys, including her self survived the job cut... for now.

sigh. This reminds me to be thankful that I have my job. No more complaints!

The purpose behind travel time

People are always in a hurry. Well, I am always in a hurry. I have become spoilt in Singapore where everywhere is near that even 30 mins for travel time is something I tend to replace with a 10-minute (but 10 times more expensive!) cab ride. I tell myself the extra minutes I save are extra minutes that I get to spend with my daughter. But the truth is, I am just impatient!

BUT travel times have a purpose. Its a small, personal time you can afford to give yourself -- to prepare for the work ahead of you, or to effectively leave work behind as you head home... it can be a time for personal reflection, for thanking small blessings, or even to derive pleasure from people (and bag) watching.

Maybe that's what's wrong with me... I don't give myself small intervals in between to sort things out. Thoughts and emotions are sort of jumbled up inside me that I end up complaining a lot. I think its about time I get back some brooding time for lil' ol me... and the 30-minute commute to and from work is just about right.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

Mee rebus around the corner,

Wicked (The New Musical) Soundtrack,

Seafood cheese pizza and green tea ice cream at Shokudo's...

Gelatissmo!

Friends re-runs, How I Met Your Mother, and One Tree Hill...

Brothers and Sisters, Bones and Grey's Anatomy...

Old Chang Kee Sotong Onstick, Teh-C from YKK,

Lunches with Bob in town...

Spicy Tonkotsu Ramen!

Massage + Scrub + Wrap at Amore Day Spa...

MMU packages in the mail,

Surprise text messages from my bestest friends...

Burrow (!) and carry!!!

And of course, little Peyton's gummy smile...


I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don't feel...so bad

The art of letting go

I thought it would be hard to let go.

After reading a couple of articles in Elle’s Sep08 issue on credit crunch and ethical stance on eco-friendly shopping, I got a bit guilty about my hoard of mineral makeup just sitting prettily on my table. I’ve got this huge loot and I won’t be able to use all in this lifetime alone. They must be pretty disappointed as well since they are not fulfilling their purpose – of making some other kikay happy. So I packed away those that I am not using (and will not use ever again), brought them over to a friend who’ll bring them to Manila for my sister and friends (but not before saying a tearful goodbye, of course).

My MMU trays looked incomplete after that. It felt like a part of me was gone and I brooded a little. To fight the urge of buying MORE, I thought about how I’d rather not let them just go to waste. I thought about how little acts such as this, matters when it comes to saving environment. And I thought about how I'd like to do my part in making this a better world for my daughter to live in.

All that thinking made letting go an easier thing to do. :)

Welcome home, mummy!

There is nothing like coming home to this, after a long hard day at work.:)

I have to write...

... because I used to be good at it. But then through the years I let myself be lazy or forgetful and pretty soon I wouldn't know how. Then, more years down the road, when the time comes that I wouldnt be able to talk to my daughter (during her teenage rebelling years), then at least I could write to her -- and be the mushy emotional mother that I know I could be. hehehe.

Seriously, I HAVE to write again.

Can you guess where I want to be?

almost... but NOT quite

I just realized how truly local I've become when, as I was making my way home from work, I saw a girl having the same loose curls as I have now, toting a white bag that was identical to what I was carrying. However, I don't think I'd be matching a brown shirt and white skirt with black open-toed sandals to show off peach polished toe nails.

Is it just me or is there something wrong with how that looked?!? Maybe I am just not as adventurous when it comes to color coordination...

a simple joy

I like it when it's lightly raining and I am walking on building sidewalks. I can enjoy the cold weather without getting wet. Especially since I am on my way to get warm soya milk. :)

I envy you.

I haven't told you this, and I don't think I will be able to do so, for the silly reason that I am too shy to tell you -- that in some ways, I think we are alike.

I would often visit your blog, and sometimes be amazed how I feel the way you feel. How I wish I can write about it the way you do! I marvel how open you can be, how expressive you can be. How honest.

I wish I could be as brave as you.

If you happen to read this, I hope you know its you.

I envy you.

Why we didn't end up doing...

There are some things that we say that we want to do, but we didn't end up doing.

Maybe when we said we wanted to do it, we didn't really think through the effort it would take.

Or maybe we let other things get in the way. We let work, family, friends or other commitments sidetrack us from what we wanted to do.

Or maybe because we just got lazy...

Or changed our minds along the way?

Or something better came along.

Or maybe we just didn't want it enough in the first place. Or not enough to sustain the continous effort required for it.

thinking aloud...

While riding the cab on my way to work, I wondered how it must be like for cab drivers – meeting strangers everyday in their line of work. Do they get curious about the passengers that get in and out of their cars? Do they ponder about the life stories these people have? Coz I know if I was a cab driver, I would probably think about that. And I would let my imagination run wild and invent all sorts of life stories for these people. Why is that old guy smiling? Maybe he just came from an illicit rendezvous and he’s reliving the scenes in his head. Rendezvous with an old girlfriend from college! Why does that pretty girl look so worried? Maybe she just found out that she’s pregnant and she doesn’t want the baby. Not when she’s planning to take a job offer overseas. Why does the baby keep on crying? Maybe her nanny is secretly pinching her on the side. The nanny actually hates the baby because the baby is her half sister (they have the same father) but nobody else knows about it except for her and her mom. Why is that guy constantly starting at his companion? Maybe he’s in love with HIM! I’d come up with complicated stories, issues and drama because I firmly believe that people aren’t always what they seem. Then I thought, I wonder what people think when they see me? Do they wonder about my life story? Do I look like someone full of stories to tell?

*****

One of my dearest friends visited me for a week, and as pasalubong, gave me a book written by Rica Bolipata-Santos. I finished the book within the week, reading it before I go to sleep. The book is a collection of her articles previously published in a daily, and the way she writes reminded me very much of how I wanted to write when I was younger. It was simple, no big words, just narratives of her life. But it was captivating, and moving. She was able to effectively capture the important lessons that are learned in living the everyday life.

Back in high school, I loved writing, kept journals with many unfinished stories (because I can’t write fast enough to capture all the thoughts swimming in my head), and wanted to be a writer when I grow up. I wasn’t good at writing – I just liked to write and I have a lot of things to write about. I have stories! And emotions! Emotions that can only be fully articulated through writing. And I was willing and able to write them down. But over the years, I had lesser time to write, but more so, lesser inclination to do so. I learned to be less emotional, more logical. Or more accurately, less vocal about my emotions. Yes, that’s probably it. I don’t think I ever lost the art of emoting but I’ve learned to control showing it. The experiences I’ve been through and the people I’ve let into my life taught me this skill.

But I liked what I have become. I realized I don’t like drama in my own life (so I get my drama fix from the cheesy movies that I love). Although I guess if I want to really write again, then I’d need to be more sensitive and open about my emotions.

Hmmm, we’ll see…